The discomfort I feel at the current thinking behind my diagnosis is reaching fever pitch.
They keep trying to stick me with new labels and I keep resisting. In particular, I’m resisting Borderline Personality Disorder, because it’s such a bullshit concoction of ‘symptoms’.
Symptoms of what? It’s not an illness, is it? So what is it then? It seems to me that it’s a marker used by the medical profession to flag up difficult, volatile patients who are:
- usually female
- have suffered trauma
- aren’t afraid of sticking up for themselves.
I know I have PTSD, that’s been confirmed. I am wondering about bipolar disorder, but then I think that PTSD and depression covers it just fine.
Anyway, the more I resist, the more of a tangle I get myself into.
Here’s where I’m at with my current thinking, inspired by disinterested psychiatrists and their lazy assumptions:
- I have gone into a manic reaction (bipolar 2, cyclothymia) with rapid-cycling moods lasting several days at a time. I can’t sleep and am overthinking everything (bipolar, borderline personality disorder).
- I feel hopeless and worthless (depression) and these feelings keep coming back (recurrent depressive disorder).
- I have been feeling a lot worse since they started sticking new labels on me (reactive depression, generalised anxiety).
- I got really angry at my clinic a month or so back when a psychiatrist cancelled on me, claiming I had previously said I wouldn’t see her (borderline personality disorder). I told them to go fuck themselves (borderline personality disorder).
- Since then, I have been reluctant to engage with psychiatric services because I feel so worthless and am scared of being disliked (avoidant personality disorder).
- I have retreated into myself and prefer the company of my imagination (schizoid personality disorder).
- I have become quite fearful of attending my psychotherapy sessions because I’m worried about what is being said or thought about me (paranoid personality disorder).
- I’ve had nightmares and outbursts at home, usually triggered by a remark or something on tv about abuse, and I’m totally exhausted and numb (complex ptsd).
- I jump out of my skin when someone walks in the room (ptsd, anxiety, social anxiety) and oh yeah, I keep cleaning the kitchen (ocd, anxiety).
So, what label do you think they want to stick on me today? Therapy starts in an hour or so. Let’s see what they have to say.